Some are well known quotes, some are Eddie Izzard or Monty Python quotes and there are a few lyrics hidden in there too! I bet no-one reads them tho!
Oh well......... here they are...

I used to have a handle on life - then it broke.
The Moslem striptease dancers tantalised the man into a frenzy. "show us yer faces, Show us yer faces" they cried
Never eat yellow snow.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you are doing with your other hand!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If you want a chick, go buy an egg!
Masturbation is a waste of fucking time!
When all that's stiff is his socks, take the money and run!!!
A hard man is good to find.

The Waltz was invented by men, so that they could lead and step on a woman at the same time.
Virus Scan - Windows found, Remove it? (y/Y)
The world is coming to an end, Please log off and leave in an orderly fashion!
Do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy?
Never suck all the juice out of a vampire.
That was now and this is then!
A man wrapped up in himself makes for a very small parcel indeed.
Why do men have nipples?
The Clairvoyants' Society's Annual General Meeting has been postponed due to unforeseen circumstances?
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see if the seeds move!
Whips and Chains? Sorry - that's a hardware problem!
Man has been defined as that which comes from woman and spends the rest of his life trying to get back in!!!
A woman who calls herself a bird deserves the worm she gets!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Very funny Scottie, now beam down my clothes!
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Fairytales = Horror stories for children to get them used to reality!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!
Men are like toilets - they are either Vacant, Engaged or Full of shit!
If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid!
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell!
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
LSD: Virtual Reality without all the fancy hardware.
The more you run over a dead rabbit, the flatter it gets.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of an angel -- in a jar on my desk.
IRISH VIRUS: Hello there, I'm a virus from County Kerry. Please forward this e-mail to all the contacts in your personal address book. Then delete all the files on your hard disk. That's grand, thanks very much.
Why buy a book when you can go to the library?
Fer sell cheep. IBM spell chekur. Wurks grate!
Necrophillia - that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one!
Un cheval, pas du glue. Pas du cheval, beaucoup du glue.
Wouldn't you rather die and be twung into a tree?
Hair Ooh, the hair thieves... they come in the night.... steal your hair they do!
You know that you are getting old and things are turning rotten when hair starts falling off your head and shows up on your bottom!
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
A cemetery is a place where dead people live
Smoking a cigarette won't send you to hell. It just makes you smell like you've been there
Never eat prunes when you're famished
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash
Buy Mr Dog for small Yappy type dogs and maybe they'll shut the f**k up
A perversion of nature….. how exciting!
Ummm, trouble with grammar have I? Yes!
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
Tell me it's just PMS and I'll nail your bollocks to the floor!
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let em have it
Guns and Banjos - Interesting band!
It's funny how us people show our love by touching tongues. But at least we're not all doggies, or we'd sniff each others' bums!
IBM = Institute of Black Magic.
Blue pants you will infiltrate whites wash, you will be disguised as a handkerchief, have you practised your white handkerchief accent?.
There was a whole family of Delicious. Golden Delicious. Extremely Delicious. Not Very Delicious. And Jeff Delicious - who was the bad apple of the family.
Calvin Klein. A fragrance for a man, a woman or a duck.
I did a bit of Latin in my time. But I can control it.
I want to live till I die. No more. No less.
Your cat is drilling behind the sofa. Hey cat, are you drilling? Don't worry it's safe, he's got goggles.
Condoms for everyone!! One with ribs, one with barbecue sauce, and one with a flake in it.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit!
When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world!
Stop skiing off my roof you bastards! Bloody elephants.
What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover...
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC,
It plainly marks four my review
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm shore your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
Don't worry, I'm gong tŸ b‚ckup tød…åí!&#~"
Sex is like oxygen; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Thesaurus: prehistoric reptile with a great vocabulary.
There's something moving in the forest about eight miles away. I'll go check..... and I'll take a thimble.
We are the daleks...we will exterminate.. ...death... death...or... plumbing??
Dracula. Or Dracul. Or Drac. Or D. Depends how well you know him.
Due to the right kind of snow, this part of the web site is not yet available, cos I'm out playing in it!
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
When a man says, "I need more space," it confuses me. What's the matter with all that space between his ears?
It was early evening in the Hotel and the Annual Chess Convention nerds were bragging about their skills loudly in the hotel lobby. Exasperated, the worker behind the reception desk said to his boss "If there's one thing I cannot stand, Its Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
"Energize," said Kirk, and the pink bunny appeared.
Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment
If Einstein had been black It would be E=MC Hammer
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The sex was so good, even the neighbours had a cigarette!
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows
Robin Hood's original plan was to steal from the rich then run like hell. But it never really took off. Plan #2 Steal from the comfortable and give to the moderately impoverished!
The light at end of tunnel is temporarily out of order. It will be switched off until further notice.
He's dim, Jed
I need some Mental Floss!
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."Unless it was just a lawn mower
Hmmm, fence must still be down over at the funny farm...
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day
The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
If love is blind and marriage is an institution, does that mean that marriage is an institution for the blind?
Keyboard not found. Visualise"F1" to continue.
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.

Trust me on this one: Challenging someone to a duel by slapping them with a glove is far more effective if you fill the glove with loose change first.
To err is human, to moo bovine
I used to have a life, now I have a modem
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
I am not your saviour, I'm just as fucked as you
How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
My other computer runs the Enterprise!
Hell is full. The damned are now in Tech Support
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage
He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
Mary had a little RAM -- just about a MEG or so.
And now for something ruder...
Sex on television doesn't hurt you unless you fall off!
3 dreaded words that men fear you saying when making love: "Is that it?"
Quid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
A small child once asked me what happens after we die.I told him we get buried under a pile of earth and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset the poor kid!
I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, they'll be lots of parties around the world. Then someone will get drunk and start a fight.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time
STICK \'stik\ n. 1: A somewhat non-functional boomerang
If you want to see someone you haven't seen in a while, go shopping without any make-up on and your hair looking a total mess.
I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend, But I'm a little glowing friend, But really I'm not actually your friend, But I am...
Sitting at a Computer is Lonely Do you really have any Friends? Does anyone really Care? Think about it...
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around)
I am Tweety of Borg. "I tawt I attimiwated a puddy tat!!"
Hooray Hooray the 1st of May - outdoor sex begins today!
If you tell the truth you'll never have to remember the lies you've told.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry"
Deja Moo - the feeling that you have heard this bull somewhere before...
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
Some call it fern,
Some call it bracken,
Whatever you call it,
Let's get crack'n'.
If you don't know how,
But would like to learn,
Come lie with me on my bed of fern.
School days are the best days of your life...provided your children are old enough to go.
Never argue with a dragon, for thou art crunchy, and goest well with cheese.
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
Life is swell in a padded cell, it will chase those blues away, you can trade your gloom for a rubber room, and injections twice a day!
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe all mimsy were the borogoves, and the momeraths outgrabe.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the Pieman "What have you got there?" Said the Pieman unto Simon "Pies, you dickhead!"
Definition of fun = faulty. Reboot fun.exe
On candystripe legs the spiderman comes, softly through the shadow of the evening sun, stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead, looking for the feet shivering in bed. Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and suddenly! a movement in the corner of the room! and there is nothing I can do when I realise with fright that the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight.
The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things. Of Unix, telnet, ftp; of protocols and pings
Two silkworms were having a race, but it ended in a tie.
The truth hurts, especially when you write it on cardboard and poke yourself in the eye with it
if one drinks much from a bottle marked poison, it is sure to disagree with one sooner or later...
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque..
Le souri est sur la table, la chat est sur la chaise, et le singe est sur la branche....
"It's just the Rebels sir...they're here..." "My God, man!...do they want tea?!"
"I shall start a new religion in this country, the Psychotic Bastard religion"
This week, I are been mostly eatin'... acorns
The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding
Dear Paul, .. brackets - Saint, apparently - .., fuck off! Love and kisses, the Corinthians
Piaano! Piaano! It's not a fucking piaano, it's a claaranaat. You weird talking woman, you.
Ello, we're murderers... Er... Twix please.

This jam is made by nazis out of dead twigs, bits of mud, and spit.
The 4th International Child Slapping Championships "Personally we believe that there is nothing finer than the sight of a grown adult thumping the living daylights out a small, defenceless child..."
"Rumours of fraud persist, despite official denials and regular debunkings. The same story keeps popping up time and again, from many disparate sources: namely that NASA did not send a man to Belgium at all. That is was, in fact, just an elaborate hoax..."
"The aim of Project Scooby is to design the ultimate 'super sandwich'. A sandwich to be both feared and admired by people all over the planet. A sandwich that could, if properly handled, dominate the world..."
"Ladies & Gentlemen, it is important to have goals. Every organisation must have an aim: a gameplan if you like. Our aim is to make as much trouble for mortals as we possibly can, and might I say it is something we do extremely well..."
"The average African bull elephant can type at speeds in excess of 120 words per minute, the Bengal tiger has command of three forms of shorthand and the giant panda has a thorough working knowledge of double entry bookkeeping..."
All people will need to do is bleed into the envelope, seal it carefully and label it with the appropriate blood group. You can give as little or as much as you like, from the merest pinprick to the full eight pints (further envelopes are available on request). As an added incentive, we're offering tokens for every pint you donate. Collect fifteen and you can exchange them for a free spleen.
Scandal has hit the tiny village of Chelford in Cheshire after a local woman, Mrs. Edna Slut, claimed that she was being bugged by MI5. "I know for a fact that there are listening devices in my home," Mrs. Slut told us. "I don't know exactly where they are, but I have noticed that the cat has been walking funny for the last few days."
Suffering from piles? A martyr to embarrassing flatulence? Halitosis? Unsightly boils? Diarrhoea? Are you unfathomably ugly? Then phone 0898 11 22 33 NOW!..Go on, we could do with a laugh...
Police have been baffled by an outbreak of surrealist muggings. In the latest incident, a woman was held up as she used a city centre cash machine. "I had just collected my money when this youth jumped out, pointed a loaded chicken at me and told me he was an electric tree. Then he gave me fifty quid and ran off."
"The Long Legged Tree Duck is capable of taking out whole armoured divisions with its bare feet..."
"Recent satellite photographs confirm what researchers have suspected for some time: a five mile wide area of shortcrust pastry at the North Pole..."
"hidden away in the back streets and deserted warehouses of northern England, unlicensed ‘bare-knuckle snooker’ is rapidly growing in influence..."
"Carefully select two ornate table lamps. Skin and bone them, being mindful to extract the long, dangley green bit that runs down the centre as this is extremely poisonous, and is the property of the Church of England..."
Tension headache? follow the instructions on your painkiller box... "take two tablets" and "keep away from children"
I am a bunny rabbit, Sitting in me 'utch, I like to sit up this end, I don't care for that end much, I'm glad tomorrow's Thursday, 'Cause with a bit of luck, As far as I remember, That's the day they pass the buck.
Tchaikovsky, was he a tortured soul who poured out his immortal longings into dignified passages of stately music or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self critisism.
I like children, properly cooked.
I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac
America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top
Wow, what an exciting conversation. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps
If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it
Want a taste of religion? Bite a nun
Sleep..... oh, how I loathe those little slices of death...
Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Chatrooms are like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
Toys to pram...Toys to Pram...we've lost contact...Toys to Pram, come in Pram!!
Foolish are the people who play Twister on the stairs.


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